The Blue Collar Guy's Guide to Energy Drinks
As a new guy to the Caffeine Shark Team, I have been told that my role is to be a voice for people in blue collar fields. As a timid 27 year old that is tasked with telling hardened workers in their forties what to do on a daily basis, I feel like this is a perfect fit. So without a doubt, please see my official guide for energy drinks for those of you who perform honest work for a living.
CELSIUS - ENJOY IT IN SECRET
Look I'm not going to sit here and talk smack on Celsius as a product. Personally it gets me through the day and helps me before a workout. I didn't even blink when I heard they lied about their ingredients. However, this drink is simply too new age and Gen Z; not designed to prosper in industries where most people communicate by nodding and grunting. No matter how many times you try to explain to some old guy that it has a LOT more caffeine than a coffee all they will see is pretty colors and make fun of you worse than the girl from fifth grade who hit her growth spurt early (yes Rebecca I still remember). My advice if you want to enjoy this fine beverage is to chug it in the porta potty, crush the can and if anyone finds the can blame it on the new guy.
RED BULL - THROW IT AWAY AND COMMIT
Have we evolved past Red Bull yet? You can't look me in the eye and tell me that Red Bull still flourishes in any facet of society outside of the X games. My experience has been no different. If you see someone drinking this on the job, odds are his boss got the crew a pack in the nearest 7/11 to make them feel special (like when you get a pizza party instead of a raise). You may sometimes see the wide eyed new guy walking around who still looks like he has joy in his life drinking one of these but all it's going to take is those first 4 back to back overtime shifts before he starts to abandon this training wheel of an energy drink for one that will actually animate his shell of a body. All I can say about Red Bull drinkers is its time for you young-ins to grow up
BANG - WE CAN WORRY ABOUT YOUR HEART RATE AFTER TURNOVER
My friends, we have all been there. The deadline is fast approaching and no matter how much you find yourself smacking yourself to stay awake and motivated there's still someone screaming at you to pick the pace up. Fast forward to 2012 when this magical elixir was introduced into our society. I've heard stories about guys who have drank three of these bad boys in a single day and witnessed an output level on the floor equivalent to when Henry Ford invented the assembly line. Sure it may become normalized but once you find yourself having a casual conversation with coworkers at lunch about whose heartbeat is the most visible through their safety jacket you might want to reevaluate. I can say that you need to keep Bang in your back pocket when your in a pinch but put money on these actually being implemented into OSHA someday.
COFFEE - KEEP SCROLLING IF YOU'RE YOUNGER THAN 40
While Coffee may have been the drink relied on by basically the entirety of the American workforce for most of our history, times have simply changed. In a world where caffeine drinks have been catered to a generation raised by Grand Theft Auto, the old ways of coffee simply cant compete. But that will not stop the old guard. One of the favorite guys to interact with on a day to day basis is the 50 year old dude with a beard who starts his day with a pot of coffee and a pack of smokes. This is the guy whose voice sounds like batman meets Ron Swanson, his diet is a mixture of various fast food chains and he's still in better shape than anyone whose reading this. In short, you're most likely not the right caliber of individual to drink coffee like they used to.
MONSTER - OLE RELIABLE
Here we are to the undisputed champion. You wake up with it, you're cars back seat is littered with empty cans of it and you have a personal favorite flavor (personally I go for the peach). With a perfect amount of caffeine (160 mg in a 16 oz can) somewhere between coffee and a bang and a well enough established brand you really can't go wrong with it. Sure while main stream understanding of society may tell you that Monster is mostly consumed by gamers and skateboarders, the company has guys in warehouse jackets and hard hats to thank for staying profitable and expanding throughout the past 20 years.