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  • Writer's pictureTyler Watkin

Down with the Red Bull and Vodka Monopoly!

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Please only continue to read if you are 21+ or have a convincing enough fake ID.


A couple of nights ago my editor and I were at a sports bar having a couple of beers (Editor's note: For once, I can confirm) and doing my yearly evaluation (yes I’m now on a personal improvement plan). As we were discussing energy drinks we found ourselves discussing the best flavor of Celsius. The gentleman next to us decided to offer his input that peach was the superior flavor. He then followed up with the notion that it tastes good with Smirnoff. Suddenly a light bulb went off in my head. We have an absurd amount of energy drinks yet the only drink you can actually order late night is a Red Bull and Vodka.


Now I don’t know what the Big Wigs at Red Bull have done to keep the majority silent. They have had the control of this market for too long! I am first and foremost a bleeding red capitalist who believes that competition breeds the best and like my dad always use to tell me we should all be free to pick our favorites even when it comes to our children (*childhood trauma twitch*).


Now how do we begin to fight back against these corrupt monacle wearing assholes at Red Bull and ... Vodka??? Well first comrades, we need to establish a preliminary list of drink choices that might be able to topple this oppressive regime. And yes the guy whose brain is a petri dish of mental issues has decided to occupy his mind by writing this list up for everyone.


  1. Celsius and Pinot Grigio - For the gram honey. There is absolutely 0 chance this would taste good. But goddammit white wine and the most trendy energy drink alive? I can picture this being served at bottomless brunches to a bunch of white people in their late 20's all wearing different combinations of Patagonia and yoga pants. Celsius is sweeping the nation already as it is so we might as well give them the outlet to merge with the Sunday morning trend that is sweeping the nation at the same time. And yes you will see a white people house renovation show sponsored by a canned version of this drink within 6 months time.


Editor's note: Tyler is kinda cooking with this one. Did he just re-invent Four Loko... but classy?

Wine party

2. Alani Nu and Bacardi - A Bachelorette party’s dream. Tell me that combination didn't immediately make you picture a group of girls on a bar bicycle in Nashville belting out Taylor Swift as they celebrate their stunning bestie/bride to-be. Everyone in our generation knows these types of gatherings are getting more and more ambitious as time goes on. It's high time there was drink that was meant to identify these beautiful celebrations. This would be the perfect mid day drink for everyone to ensure they are able to make the night on the club!

Bachelorette Party

3. Tequila and Monster - Results may vary. This is a low energy idea here. This would basically just be the Pepsi to Red Bull and Vodka's Coke. There are many different types of tequila and many different types of monster that can have various effects when it comes to taste. Now I'd be willing to say the peach flavor is probable the most compatible. However since we are investigative journalists please stay tuned for the next Caffeine Shark Vlog where the entire team sample 10 different flavor combinations each in one sitting (sponsored by LIV Golf).

Scientists

4. Bang and Everclear - When a suicide note isn't exciting enough. "We're in the endgame now", "Mr. Stark I don't feel so good", "It's clobberin time" are some of the many Marvel quotes that describe this idea. Now imagine Red Bull and Vodka had a competitor that comes with a label that says not approved by the FDA. I've dabbled in the idea of PED's before in my blogs but I'm pretty sure I've just recreated rabies with this combination. No one reading this has my blessing to try this and absolutely NO ONE should try this and Tik Tok it for research.

Editor's note: In case it wasn't already clear, I would like to declare Parody Law for this one.

Life's as extreme as you wanna make it!

So in conclusion, there is a whole chemistry lab of energy drinks and liquors available for us to experiment with better combinations than just Red Bull and vodka. It's time that we as a society begin to expand our tastes and commit to finding the next big thing.

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