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  • Writer's pictureTyler Watkin

Aliens have BEEN CONFIRMED. Now what energy drink do they prefer?

Writer's Note: The author and the editor dropped the ball here so imagine it's three weeks ago while reading this.

All right buckle in everyone. Everyone who remotely pays attention knows we have had a whirlwind of a week. Apple announced the new reality goggles (really need an economics lesson on how it can justify being $3k), New York is doing a cosplay of The Mist by Stephen King and Donny Trump is going to have to go full Highlander debating his old student Mike Pence who announced he's running for president. However, ALL of these stories are mere fodder compared to what we all should be discussing.

Aliens have been confirmed.

The story goes that a whistleblower David Charles Grusch has come forward and revealed that The US government not only has in their possession UFO's that are "extraterrestrial in origin" but even alleges that they have the bodies of the pilots!

Now a little background on the people involved here. David Charles Grusch is a retired intelligence official who served in Afghanistan. He served for three years in intelligence agencies with names too complicated for me to go through the effort to repeat. To hear a little more about his background check out this article from The Independent.

It is worth noting that Mr. Grusch had many anonymous witnesses who corroborated his story. Also the lawyer he has representing him is the original Inspector General of the intelligence community (if I'm reading that right it's a government guy in charge of ratting on other government guys). So this isn't just some guy with a 180p shaky phone video trying to convince his nephew the government is out to get him.

There a lot of questions to be sure. Some small some life altering. However the one question no one is asking is....


For anyone who looking at that question and tuning out let me remind you that these aliens (I will call them "green squad" from here on out) had to travel far, like really far to get here. Sure you can think of green squad as explorers but I think equivocating them to modern day truckers trying to make a cross country haul in 3 days is a more apt comparison. This guys needed to be amped and ready to go since space is dangerous. At any given point they needed to deal with asteroids, black holes, and the never ending darkness. And if Cocaine Bear has taught us anything it was that all creatures are more effective with a heightened heart rate.

Naturally, you want to say Green Squad prefers Monster. The trippy can designs, logo, and green goo nature seems like a perfect fit. This is what I have to imagine Green Squad would be drinking if they were the comically weird looking guys we seen in the movie "Mars Attacks".

I like the theory that aliens are already disguised as humans and living among us. Seems like that would be the most seamless invasion transition we could ask for. To that end I could see why Prime Energy would be the aliens preferred choice and the Paul brothers are aliens who are trying to make the younger generation dumber and easier to control.

Now what if the aliens aren't trying to disguise themselves but are just winging it and out in the open? This is where I think Bang is a good option, 'cause like, look at their CEO,

If this guy ain't an alien I don't know who is.

If Aliens were all about probing they would probably prefer coffee black. If I have to explain that one to you, you are not my target audience.

Now C4 is an interesting idea. As what many people would call the true pre-workout energy drink, it's cool to think that the aliens are a race of soldiers who are just constantly chugging c4 to be ready for war at all times like a WW1 squad high on meth.

Celsius is also interesting option. The sophisticated new age energy drink that provides a calm, awake feeling is probably what Green Squad would be drinking if they were like the wise aliens from the movie "Arrival". Highly recommend that one if you haven't seen it.

Now Mountain Dew energy is something I cannot entertain. If the superior beings that came from the void of space and made contact with us prefer to drink Mountain Dew Energy that's when I will throw my hands up and accept that we're just living in a Rick and Morty episode.

All of these are viable options for Green Squad's preferred energy drink of choice. And I want it to go on record that I would like to be first in line to interview them and enjoy whichever they prefer. I got a solid amount of questions for you fellas.

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